Update on life!

I haven’t written anything for a while and yet so much has been happening, and I guess that is the point of this blog.  It’s been a very busy few weeks, I have returned to work, Benji has started nursery and we finally got a referral to the paediatric urologist for Riley. Meanwhile I have been continuing the running training for the marathon next year and feeling the pressure of needing to begin to fundraise.
I would love to say that I have coped with all this fantastically well, and I hope that to the outside world it seems I have, but on the inside I have been really struggling and at one point was right on the edge so here’s the honest truth condensed down to one blog.

Benji’s growing independence

Benji is a star, so laid back, so easy and I feel totally blessed to have him.  He has started at nursery which I have to say I was really nervous about as it took Riley so long to settle and while I can’t say he loves it, I feel like he has accepted it and so I don’t feel too guilty.  He has also just started to crawl and is into everything! 

Yesterday I noticed four new teeth seem to have sprouted from nowhere and he hasn’t really made a fuss.  We’ve had the starting nursery sickness to contend with as well, lots of new bugs so last week he had a temperature and last night I was clearing up sick!  But all in all he is doing really well and growing up so fast!

Riley on the road to school

Riley starts school in a matter of weeks, she is excited and can’t wait.  She has grown up so much and while she has the odd difficult moment she is a joy to spend time with, she cares so much about others and is funny and her character is really starting to shine through.  That’s why the next blog I am going to write is going to be a tough one to write, there are a few little things which she has to deal with that I just wonder, ‘are they linked to the lamotrigine I took in pregnancy?’ but that is a long story and will be the basis of my next blog.

Work and run

So my seizures remain controlled with the Keppra which to me is a miracle, no focal seizures for coming 20 months, no tonic-clonics for 28 months! I have my driving licence back, my confidence is growing with the kids and I feel great.  I am now back at work, at a desk all day, and I find that quite hard but it has to be done.  I am also doing great on my marathon training, now running 5k well within 30 minutes 2 times a week with longer runs as well, so I am now up to running 15k.  With my first half marathon in 5 weeks’ time I feel like I have achieved a lot in the last few months and overcome a massive hurdle.

Anxiety attacks

So all this change has come at a cost, Keppra has been the drug to control my seizures, I feel so blessed for that, but it hasn’t been plain sailing that’s for sure. I can’t say whether it is the Keppra itself or the fact that for 10 years I was on lamotrigine, a mood stabiliser and maybe I just got used to that but lets face it all these drugs change the way our brains work, they control the activity going on in there. 

There is no getting away from the fact that since I made the change from Lamotrigine to Keppra I have had to work a lot harder at finding strategies to regulate my mood.  When times get tough like that have in the past few weeks I start to feel myself falling apart.

So I know that I have been more snappy towards Rich and I am so glad that he puts up with me, I can’t thank him enough for all the support he give me.  I have found that running really helps me to regulate my mood, it gives me some me time away from the kids and allows me to reset.  But the biggest challenge over the last month has been my anxiety. 

I started waking in the night having anxiety attacks, with my heart racing and pounding in my head.  I used to get this when I was first diagnosed with epilepsy and all I can say is it makes going to bed really scary.  So after three nights of this happening I started to feel the anxiety growing in the day, then one day I thought it was going to happen while I was out at the park dealing with the kids, I panicked and started to leave the situation and luckily calmed down. 

But that episode made me realise everything had got too much for me and I needed a coping strategy.  So cue mindfulness, I had let meditation slip over the last few months.  As things get busy finding the time to actually meditate seems to fall to the bottom of the pile.  But after these anxiety attacks I started prioritising it before bed, and wow I can’t explain how quickly I felt more in control. 

Since starting 30 minutes of meditation each day I haven’t had any more anxiety attacks, day or night and just feel able to cope again.  I have also found a great running meditation which kills two birds with one stone! Yes it another thing which takes up my time, but it really does improve my quality of life.

It's National Epilepsy Week ~ let's get talking about epilepsy

So this week is National Epilepsy Week and a survey by Epilepsy Action shows many people with epilepsy still fear discrimination and are worried about talking about their epilepsy.

So I was thinking wouldn't it be great if we could use this week to start turning that around. How? By sharing our own stories of epilepsy, showing people that yes Epilepsy can be scary and unpredictable but we all battle through it and come out stronger and more reliable people, better partners, children, parents, friends and employees because we have been through hell and just got on with it, it may not feel like that on the hard days but we are all amazing epilepsy warriors.

So here goes, my story, I would love it if others shared there own stories in the comments, doesn't have to be pregnancy related just show the world we are stronger than epilepsy.

I was diagnosed with epilepsy 12 years ago aged just 19 and around the time I stated university. When I was first diagnosed I was lost, scared and I felt my whole life hinged on becoming seizure free, like everything was put on hold waiting for that to happen. Seizures were so unpredictable, with no warnings and knocking me out for days, how could I function like that?

There were a few periods where it looked like it would happen, months with no tonic clonic seizures and then bam a seizure would happen out of the blue. It was like it was teasing me. There have been some dark days where epilepsy definitely pushed ahead in the battle.

Eventually after 6 years of these intermittent tonic clonic seizures I found the strength to challenge my neurologist about why it wasn't going away. His response of well that's just how it is  wasn't enough for me so I pushed to see an epilepsy nurse and got refered to London.

Finally I saw a doctor who really listened to me. She did more tests and re diagnosed me with temperal lobe epilepsy and said she felt I was having focal seizures. Suddenly a reality hit... I hadn't been seizure free for months ever, these little focal seizures had been there the whole time I just didn't really link the two.

With a proper diagnosis I started talking to other people with the same type of epilepsy and other professionals and it became clear that while the seizure frequency tends to be relatively low seizure freedom can be hard to get especially after so much time. I then I started to realise I couldn't continue to put my life on hold waiting for seizure freedom. I needed to start living life with seizures.

So I started looking for ways to cope with the anxiety I felt from the unpredictability of seizures. I enrolled on the expert patient programme and looked into mindfulness, both helped me come up with strategies to manage my anxiety.

Then I started to live life, finding a job my epilepsy didn't effect so I could give it my all, having two amazing children, riding my horse, skiing in America and getting out running again. I didn't let epilepsy win.

So 12 years after my diagnosis I am in fact 18 months completely seizure free... it is a miracle and yet not a miracle I needed to live life. People say you must be so pleased, and I smile and say yes I am. But am I pleased? Of course I am happy but I had already accepted a life with seizures in order to make sure I didn't miss out on living life so being seizure free I don't like to think about too much because if I do have a seizure again I don't want to feel the incredible disappointment I have so many times before - I don't want to miss out on life because of it.

I guess what I am trying to say is don't let epilepsy win. Have hope things will improve but also find a way to live in the worst times otherwise we miss out on so much.

Sending lots of love to all my fellow epilepsy warriors and their families and friends who stand by them, hope to read your story soon xxx

Epilepsy shone at the RCM awards this week

As the previous blog explained we nominated Kim Morley the epilepsy midwife who helped to give us such a positive birth experience with Benji for Emma's Diary Mum's Midwife of the Year.

Well Tuesday was the big day and we went up to London to find out who would win overall.  It was such a lovely day and so great to catch up with Kim again and for her to finally meet Benji.

 

Epilepsy Action's HealthE Mums-to-be campaign was nominated for the Charity Initiative award and I am so happy to say they won.  Two of the lovely people from Epilepsy Action went up to receive the award and Kim and myself joined them as we both worked on the project.  They also won £2000 to put towards future campaigns which I am sure they will put to great use, I would really love to see a campaign around parenting with epilepsy as it holds a lot of challenges but we will see.

 

Then  all the regional Mum's midwife of the year winners went up on stage, it was pretty nerve wracking but Benji was a star and it was so lovely to see Kim receive her award and our way of saying thank you to her.  Then came the moment they announced the overall winner and it was Kim, it was an amazing feeling to see Kim get the recognition she so deserves but also to highlight the need for better care for women with epilepsy.

 

 

We then had to be interviewed which was again quite nerve wracking although I'm sure far more so for Kim.

 

We then also found out that Kim was going to talk on Radio 4s Women's Hour the next day which was a fantastic opportunity.  I think she did an amazing job to fit such a huge topic into a 5 minute interview slot and she spoke so passionately.  If you would like to listen to it you can find the pod cast here.

I really hope that this opens up an opportunity to highlight the need for better care for women with epilepsy during pregnancy across the board, it's about so much more than the risks of the medications, it's all the other factors at play both medical, social and psychological and women just don't get the support they need.  Anyway I will not go on to much about that now as I am planning to write about that for my blog for the epilepsy blog relay on 19th March so watch this space.

But instead I will add some links to stories covering Kims success.


Epilepsy nurse Kim Morley revealed as ‘mums’ midwife of the year’ - Nursing Times

Mums’ Midwife of the Year 2016 — We Meet The Winner - Mum's in the know

Epilepsy Action’s HealthE mum-to-be campaign and epilepsy specialist midwife Kim Morley win big at RCM awards - Epilepsy Action

England's only epilepsy specialist midwife honoured as Midwife of the Year 2016 - Epilepsy Society

 

We're off to the midwife of the year awards tomorrow

I nominated our epilepsy midwife Kim for the Emma's Diary women's midwife of the year awards and I am so thrilled that she won for our region and tomorrow we get to attend the awards ceremony to find out if she has won overall.  It would be so fantastic if she did firstly because her knowledge and support is incredible and she deserves to be acknowledged.  It would also be a fantastic way to get the issue of epilepsy and pregnancy into the media and bring it to the attention of midwives across the country.  Even  if it just means that a few midwifes decide to read a little bit more about epilepsy that can only be a good thing for women with epilepsy across the country.  So fingers crossed.

Epilepsy Action have written up our birth story and explained why we nominated Kim here, but I'm going to share the article below as it sums it all up perfectly.

Award-winning midwife, Kim Morley’s specialist epilepsy and pregnancy knowledge gave new mum a better second birth

Clair Cobbold had a very traumatic first birth. Despite wanting a second baby, she didn’t know if she could bear another experience like that. She tells Epilepsy Today how midwife Kim Morley gave her the confidence for a second baby.

Ahead of the RCM Annual Midwifery Awards ceremony on March 8, Clair Cobbold explains why Kim Morley is a very worthy winner of the South of England’s Midwife of the Year 2016 award, and nominee for the Midwife of the Year award.

 

“I was diagnosed with epilepsy 12 years ago when I was 19. It was just after I’d started university that I had a couple of tonic-clonic seizures.

 

“It took a long time to get the correct diagnosis, as the general neurologists I saw while at university and after returning home didn't recognise I was also having focal seizures. After starting medication, my tonic-clonic seizures went from one a month to one a year.

 

“Eventually, I was referred to Queens Square in London where they ran more tests and found I had temporal lobe epilepsy. I get focal seizures, which are like a feeling of anxiety sweeping over me and they can sometimes alter my vision. They only last a couple of seconds. I also get tonic-clonic seizures where I go very blue and it takes me a long time to recover from these.

 

“I changed medication about 18 months ago from lamotrigine to levetiracetam and for the first time since being diagnosed, I have been a whole year without having a seizure. So now I am reapplying for my driving licence back! I never thought this day would come and had accepted my seizures

were probably here to stay.

 

“I found being diagnosed with epilepsy at university hard. I felt it took away a lot of my independence and stopped me from doing the things I wanted. But I found a way to turn things around and became an Epilepsy Action Accredited Volunteer when I was 20. I have learned so much about epilepsy and now it's not as scary anymore. I don't let my epilepsy stop me anymore and just find ways to make it as safe as possible so I ride my horse and ski.”

 

Riley

 

“Riley was born on June 3rd 2012 weighing 8lbs8oz. Throughout my pregnancy I saw a lot of health professionals because I was considered high risk. The local hospital where I was planning to have Riley wasn't used to dealing with women with epilepsy. They all came up with a plan that was very medicalised and controlled. I just went along with it because I didn't know any different and I wanted us to be safe.

 

“When I got to hospital I was already a long way through labour (9cm dilated) but they decided to follow the plan anyway. They gave me clobazam to reduce my risk of seizures and an epidural to control my pain, as they were worried that could trigger seizures.

 

“Both of these slowed my labour down and 12 hours later Riley still hadn't arrived and we had both become distressed. I was taken to theatre and she was delivered by forceps. It was very traumatic and my husband, Rich, wasn't told what was going on and thought we had died.

 

Clair had a difficult experience of pregnancy and brith with Riley

“After the delivery, I was in a lot of pain and very distressed and confused. The neurological team at the hospital decided to drop my epilepsy medication dose back down to my pre-pregnancy dose overnight putting me at risk of breakthrough seizures.

 

“Rich wasn't allowed to stay with me on the ward and Riley was placed in bed with me to feed for hours on end as she was very upset. This put her at a huge risk if I'd had a seizure, which, luckily, I didn't.

 

“Following the birth, my husband and I were both very upset and found those first few months really tough. I had some very low times in those first few months and looking back, I wish I'd found help. But we got through those tough times and then I loved being a mum. We put lots of safeguards in place to keep Riley safe if I had a seizure.

 

“We feel blessed that Riley doesn't seem to have been affected by my epilepsy medication or the seizure I had at the beginning of my pregnancy. She is now a healthy, happy three-year-old, and has grown up learning a lot about epilepsy. She knows exactly what to do if I have a seizure and is a pro at getting trains and buses!”

 

Meeting Kim

 

Kim Morley won the RCM South of England Midwife of the Year 2016 award

“Epilepsy Action approached me to write for the pregnancy diaries and help with the HealthE mum-to-be campaign. I found that was a really positive thing for me. I wanted to make sure other women got more support during pregnancy and being a new mum than I did. Sharing my story seemed a good way to do that.

 

“It was, in fact, while helping with some pregnancy and parenting workshops for the campaign, that I first met Kim.

 

“A few years on, we started thinking about another child as we wanted Riley to have a brother or sister. But the idea of going through that trauma again was too much so we looked at other options. We looked into adoption, but unfortunately were rejected because Riley was too young. That was when I decided to have a chat with Kim to see if the birth experience could be different.”

 

Benji

 

Kim helped Clair gain the confidence to have her second baby, Benji

“Benji was born 2nd October 2015, weighing 9lbs. He is now nearly 5 months and doing well. I am breastfeeding him still and we are lucky because he sleeps a lot better than Riley did. He's a really happy, smiley baby and we feel really lucky to have him. Riley loves being a big sister and Benji thinks Riley's the best thing ever!

 

“Our birth experience with Benji couldn't have been any more different and most of that is due to Kim. The second time around, we just wanted things to be less traumatic and to be able to enjoy those first few months rather than battle our way through them.

 

“The first time we travelled down to see Kim (it's about 2 hours away from us) she gave us so much of her time. She just gave us the opportunity to talk about what had happened and to cry.

“She said she thought we had both suffered from post-traumatic stress following Riley's birth. She said things didn't have to be like that and we did have options to make a second birth a more positive one.

 

“Not long after that, I found out I was pregnant. I sent Kim a number of emails with questions and she just answered them in a calm reassuring way.

 

“We went down to meet her again and put my birth plan in place. Kim's knowledge about epilepsy and pregnancy is so incredible, that we just felt we'd found someone who could answer all our questions.

 

“Kim never told us what to do, she gave the control back to us. She asked us what we wanted and gave us all the facts and her own insight and together we came up with a plan.

 

Riley and Benji

“My biggest concern was that I didn't want the birth to be overly medicalised; the less intervention the better. Kim said that because my epilepsy seemed to be pretty well controlled, there was no reason why I needed lots of intervention.

 

“Kim gave us the confidence and medical backing to go to our local hospital and say we wanted a natural birth with low intervention. Kim made me realise I didn't have to say yes to everything the doctors said. She gave me the confidence to enjoy my pregnancy rather than worrying what might happen because of my epilepsy.

 

“When it came to labour I stayed at home for most of it as Kim had helped me come up with strategies to reduce my anxiety. I got to the hospital already ready to push so all the midwife had to do was catch Benji, pretty much. I just had a little bit of gas and air during pushing but other than that no other intervention – no clobazam, no epidural and no IV.

 

“I remained active during my labour, and I can remember the whole thing. Afterwards, I was able to just sit and cuddle Benji and even have a cup of tea and a shower and Rich was there the whole time. It was such a positive experience and my recovery after was so much better.”

 

Midwife of the year

 

“We were looking for a way to say thank you to Kim for all she did for us. When I saw the award, it seemed perfect. Without Kim, I don't know if we'd have felt confident enough to have another baby, and I wanted a way to say thank you for helping bring us Benji.

 

“I am so happy that she has won the south England region award! Kim doesn't realise how amazing she is. She is a very quiet person who doesn't shout about her achievements. And yet, she has made such a huge difference to the lives of so many women with epilepsy.

 

“She really deserves this award. I also hope it will highlight the need for better support for pregnant women with epilepsy to lead to better experiences for others.”

 

 

RCM awards

 

The RCM Annual Midwifery Awards 2016 will be held in London on March 8. The RCM will announce the winner of the Midwife of the Year award, for which Kim Morley is nominated. The Epilepsy Action HealthE mum-to-be campaign has also been shortlisted for an award at this event in the Best Charity Initiative category.

 

Benji's first Christmas and the end of 2015

Benji's first Christmas turned out to be pretty great.  Riley really got Christmas this year and it was just so magical to watch her face light up with all the magic of Christmas.  We are starting to build our own family traditions, visiting the Christmas lights, Olympia and making church and the religious side of Christmas which is so important to me fun.

So here are a few Christmas photos, which sum up the excitement of the end of what has been a very eventful year with the arrival of Benji who really does make our little family complete.

 

 

Riley loves the water ~ and now she can really swim!

So proud of Riley - this term she swam 5 metres indepently (actually she can manage a width which is 7 metres). She just loves the water and next term will get to play with flippers and snorkels. We love aquatots :) Benji starts in January and because my seizures seem pretty controlled I'm going to take him. Very exciting.

A birthday blog! A year seizure free!

Today I am 31, nothing special just another year older...  but today also marks 1 year completely seizure free. I still can't get my head around it as it was only 2 years ago that I came to terms with the fact my focal seizures may never be controlled. I can’t even remember the exact date of my last seizure just that it was in November last year.

So today marks the day I could technically drive again, not that I will because I still don't feel confident that it's controlled. Part of me thinks maybe it's because I was pregnant. Plus even though Benji sleeps better than Riley I still don't feel it's enough sleep and so don't feel safe to drive just yet.

In a few months when Benji is in his own room I will consider driving again but it's scary - I haven't driven in 6 years since my epilepsy was properly diagnosed as focal epilepsy. To just be handed your licence back brings mixed emotions - joy of course that I can have a bit more freedom but also fear of being able to drive and also losing that freedom again.

A lot to get my head round! But the main thing is I am now a year seizure free, the keppra looks like it's working, it's my birthday and the most amazing thing happened this morning. Riley woke up and said 'Happy Birthday Mummy' - she just remembered :) one happy mummy - the best present ever!

Our first few weeks ~ settling in

Sorry I haven't posted for a while, it's been a crazy few weeks of adjustment to having two little people to care for. Can't believe he's 6 weeks old tomorrow! Here's a little bit about our first few weeks as a family of four.

Baby Blues

So last time I really struggled with low mood and looking back it was probably either post natal depression or post traumatic stress.

We had an excellent midwife visit the first day, she seemed to know more about epilepsy than anyone else I had spoken to at Epsom. She asked about my keppra dose and whether it had dropped and said it could rise a little now and because keppra could effect mood it could make the baby blues worse. It was something I hadn't even considered but just acknowledging it made me feel less worried.

I've had some teary moments and some down times especially when I am tired and feeding hurts. It's not easy bringing up two kids. I feel like caring for a baby this time round is easier but added to the mix is making sure Riley still gets the time and attention she deserves.

I will write a separate post about this soon as it's something I feel needs to be spoken more about.

Feeding

So this time round feeding has been a real challenge. Luckily we have some great breastfeeding clinics near us who have helped. Initially he just wouldn't latch on at all and I was so worried I had no way to feed him. But the midwife showed me how to hand express and feed him out of a little cup - he was able to lap it up like a cat.

The first couple of weeks he slept so much, completely different to Riley! I was so worried it was the keppra. I emailed the epilepsy midwife she suggested taking my meds just after feeding him so that hopefully when the levels peak (an hour or so after) he won't need a feed. This seemed to help. She also said they could take levels in my breastmilk but as by 3 weeks he seemed a bit more awake, was waking for feeds and was finally back to his birth weight (having lost nearly 11%) I decided we probably didn't need to.

Now I am struggling with sore chapped nipples. It hurts so much it makes me cry sometimes. The breastfeeding councilor helped adjust how I put him on so I am hoping that will help with the soreness. She also said breastmilk is the best thing to help them heel. So we will see if it improves.

All I can say is it is hard and every baby is different, just because you breastfed last time doesn't mean it'll be easier second time! But I hope the benefits make it all worth while.

Sleeping

Well don't want to say too much as don't want to jinx it but he's a pretty good sleeper. He usually goes between 2-3 hours between feeds and sleeps in his moses basket. So I'm getting 5-6 hours a night which isn't bad. I'm still tired as it's broken and let's face it I could do with more especially as my meds make me tired but it will come and I can't complain as could be a lot worse.

Epilepsy

Incredibly I still haven't had a seizure, not a focal or a tonic clonic, so that makes it 1 year pretty much. It's the longest I have ever been without a seizure and can't quite believe it. I'm not about to go out and get my driving license as I need more time to feel confident. It's a strange thing being seizure free after living with something for 10 year, a third of my life. It's hard to explain, part of me is over the moon and the other part is scared to accept it in case it gets taken away like it has so many times before.

Smiles

And so it started happening at about 3 weeks - proper big cheesy grins. Now he'll smile right at you and it just makes it all worth if. All the tough bits are made up for by that one cheesy grin!

I'll leave you with some pictures of our first few weeks (including some cheesy grins!).

Almost 38 weeks ~ our baby loves chocolate!

Wanted to post something to cheer myself up and hopefully make you guys all smile.

I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself the last few days.  I have managed to pick up Riley’ cold and so have been feeling grotty on top of feeling enormous – not a great combination! Also I have heard from a few of my friends that things haven’t gone so well for them in their pregnancies, labours and with their children.  It makes it feel like there are so many ways things can go wrong and bringing up happy, healthy children is really more luck than good decisions.

But amongst all this I have noticed that our baby loves chocolate! Not 100% sure this is a good thing but it makes me smile.  So when I sit down with a glass of water and my favourite choccy bar then give it 5 minutes and suddenly I can feel baby moving around and kicking lots.  Always puts a smile on my face and feel we have something in common!