Friday 27 September 2013

2 years seizure free :) but what does that mean to me?

Please don't get me wrong with this post... I feel really lucky to have gone 2 years without a major seizure, my epilepsy is pretty well controlled and I feel blessed for that.  Most of the time I'm really positive about it all.  But sometimes like I am sure everyone does I get that fear, this is just me writing that down.  So hope you don't mind...

It’s been 2 years now since my last major seizure, in fact over 2 years, the day came and went without me even noticing… it got me thinking what does that mean, the fact I no longer keep track of my seizure free time?

Is it because I haven’t been completely seizure free? I am still having the occasional partial seizure but I can live with them… it’s just when I have one it sort of scares me into thinking I might have a major seizure.  In a way at the moment I don’t feel confident enough in my seizure control to drive even if I did go a year with nothing, so on the bright side at least I still keep my disabled bus and rail card otherwise travel would cost an arm and a leg.  Yesterday I was on the bus and found out a return to Redhill about 30minutes away had gone up from £4.60 to over £6!

I read a blog the other day by a girl who had been in her car when she had her first seizure and by some miracle didn’t hurt anyone.  Her blog was really moving, it voiced what I always felt, that I could never trust myself enough to drive.  I thought it was just me being a bit pathetic feeling like I shouldn’t ever drive again but it turns out I am not alone.  Here’s a link to it:

Or maybe it’s because I have gone 2 and a half years before without having a seizure and then had one for no good reason… maybe it just doesn’t mean much, maybe 3 years will be a big day… or maybe I just can’t trust my brain 100%, maybe there will always be a part of me that worries I could have one any moment and with no warning. 

I think for me the fear fades and my confidence grows as time goes on, the anniversaries don’t mean so much.

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